On November 26th, my mom will be 83.  Well, she would be, if she were still alive.

It’s always a hard day for me, and my sister.  Dad, not so much.  He never knew when her birthday was, so that’s not something to worry about.  Actually, Thanksgiving and Christmas are hard days for him, as mom was a big holiday kinda gal.  She loved the holiday’s.   The cooking, the activity, family.  Me, not so much.  Not since she died.

Actually, life isn’t that great since she died.  I always knew I loved her and relied on her, but not having he here anymore really brings the sense of loss and longing.  I miss so much about her.  Especially her hugs.

No one can hold you, console you, hug you, like your mom can.  No one can give you that feeling of safety like mom.

I remember the last time she was able to give me that feeling.  It was after she’d had the strokes, and I had been taking care of her for, oh, probably 6 months.  I had a cold.  A baaaaaaaaaad cold.  I was sitting next to her on the couch as she was watching TV.  Moaning, groaning, coughing, just feeling blechky.  She said she wished she could do something to help me feel better, and I looked at her and said, you know, it’d be great to put my head in your lap and feel you stroke my head, and that’s just what she and I did.  She still had use of her arms and hands, so she was able to do that, and that was the last time I got sick while taking care of her, and the last time she was able to give me that feeling of safety and comfort.

For the following 2 years, I made sure I never caught another cold, or the flu, so as not to pass it to her.  That’s the last thing she needed.  Unfortunately, I never took the time to put my head in her lap again.  My days were full of taking care of her, getting her to and from doctors, the bathroom, the shower, the bed.  Making sure she was comfortable 24/7/365.

I wish I would have laid my head in her lap more often.  I know it would have helped.  Both of us.

I love you mom.  I miss you.

I’m not going to bother with trying to title my posts.  That’s always the part that stumps me about this blogging stuff.  Trying to come up with a catchy title.  So I’m not gonna.