Thanksgiving was pretty good.  Food was great, if I do say so myself.  The turkey was nice and moist.  Though it didn’t have any of the flavors of the oranges, lemons, basil and rosemary that I had placed inside the cavity.  Don’t know why that never works, but I keep doing it and hoping! 😀

While my sister and her hubby were driving home, they decided that I couldn’t take care of dad by myself anymore, and decided that we needed to move dad down to CA and into a facility, with me moving in with them.  Nice offer, bad decision.  For one, the “finding” of the facility would rest squarely on my sister’s shoulders, and with her working 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, she really doesn’t have the time to do that.  Secondly, me living with her, BIG MISTAKE.  I’m not a pushover like her, and I also do not squelch my opinions from coming out of my mouth.  She and I would end up as enemies, and I don’t want that to happen.

So, the other night, I called her at work, and told her that since the VA has different services, one of them being them sending someone in to help me, free of charge, I think it would be better to do that.  Especially since dad wasn’t keen on the idea of moving to CA, since we’d have to get an ambulance to transport him, and good grief that would cost a hell of a lot of money.  Plus, he has the idea in his head that if he is moved to a facility, he won’t ever seem me again.  He’s come to depend on me completely, and he’s quite comfy here in his home, with his things around him and with his routines.  I told my sister that as soon as she’d suggested this move, I started getting a heavy feeling in my chest.  Why?  Because of all the work I’d have to do, up here, by myself.  Selling the home, getting rid of every stick of furniture, signing papers, getting dads power of attorney.  Then shipping him down to CA by himself.  As soon as I told sister that this was just too much work for the both of us, and dad wasn’t keen on the idea either and suggested we wait for the paper work from the Navy to get here, that we shouldn’t be uprooting dads life.   She agreed.

Personally, I think she was just feeling extremely guilty for not coming up more often and actually helping me.  She was the same way with mom, and the guilt floored her when mom died.  She vowed then she wouldn’t make that mistake with dad, but here it is, 10 years later, and she only comes up once a year, for 2 days.  Her guilt is her problem, not mine.  If she wanted to help me, truly help me, she’d do it.

That’s one reason why I don’t want to live with her.  My anger at her would come out, and trust me, that would destroy our relationship.  Don’t get me wrong.  I understand that she works full time.  I understand she wants to spend time with her grandkids.  But you know what?  I DO NOT understand why she doesn’t want to spend time with me, and help me out.  Actually, I do.  It’s too much work for her.  Too hard.  She’s never been one to stand up and face adversity, and having handicapped parents who need a lot of attention is one of the biggest adverse situations in life, there is.

Oh well.  Every one has somethin’ in their life, right?  😉

 On November 26th, my mom will be 83.  Well, she would be, if she were still alive.

It’s always a hard day for me, and my sister.  Dad, not so much.  He never knew when her birthday was, so that’s not something to worry about.  Actually, Thanksgiving and Christmas are hard days for him, as mom was a big holiday kinda gal.  She loved the holiday’s.   The cooking, the activity, family.  Me, not so much.  Not since she died.

Actually, life isn’t that great since she died.  I always knew I loved her and relied on her, but not having he here anymore really brings the sense of loss and longing.  I miss so much about her.  Especially her hugs.

No one can hold you, console you, hug you, like your mom can.  No one can give you that feeling of safety like mom.

I remember the last time she was able to give me that feeling.  It was after she’d had the strokes, and I had been taking care of her for, oh, probably 6 months.  I had a cold.  A baaaaaaaaaad cold.  I was sitting next to her on the couch as she was watching TV.  Moaning, groaning, coughing, just feeling blechky.  She said she wished she could do something to help me feel better, and I looked at her and said, you know, it’d be great to put my head in your lap and feel you stroke my head, and that’s just what she and I did.  She still had use of her arms and hands, so she was able to do that, and that was the last time I got sick while taking care of her, and the last time she was able to give me that feeling of safety and comfort.

For the following 2 years, I made sure I never caught another cold, or the flu, so as not to pass it to her.  That’s the last thing she needed.  Unfortunately, I never took the time to put my head in her lap again.  My days were full of taking care of her, getting her to and from doctors, the bathroom, the shower, the bed.  Making sure she was comfortable 24/7/365.

I wish I would have laid my head in her lap more often.  I know it would have helped.  Both of us.

I love you mom.  I miss you.

I’m not going to bother with trying to title my posts.  That’s always the part that stumps me about this blogging stuff.  Trying to come up with a catchy title.  So I’m not gonna.

All of a sudden, dad can no longer lift himself enough for me to wipe his butt. Nor can he move himself from his motorized chair to the recliner.

A breath. That’s all it was. 3 days ago he could do both. Now, he can’t.

Why?

Because he refuses to do the exercises his PT gave him to do. 2 years ago.

Now, 2 years later, he can’t move himself enough to help me out, can barely get the breath to talk, won’t let me call MedRide to take him to the doctor, and gives me go to hell looks whenever I tell him he really needs to do these things or I’ll ship his lazy ass out of here and into a home.

Will I?

Oh hell no. I’d be too eaten up with guilt. I’m Irish and Catholic. Guilt is ingrained in my DNA. Yeah yeah, I’m not a “practicing” Catholic. I went to Catholic school, when the nuns wore the penguin costumes and bashed your knuckles with yard sticks for questioning the bible. Trust me, guilt is like a cold hard bed that I frequently lay in.

…that is the question.

There is so much crap on television now. Hell, even the news is crap. It used to be that you could trust the news programs to tell the truth, unbiased. It certainly isn’t that way now. I’m not saying that all broadcasters are lying and skewing the news to suit their own personal opinions. Not all of them are. But the most watched ones sure are. This goes for Fox, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, etc.

They’re either right wingers or left. Conservative or Liberal. Republican or Democrat. What happened to keeping your opinions out of your broadcast, and just reporting the unvarnished truth? They’ve become so tabloid-y, that they are almost as bad as The Enquirer, or worse, People. Don’t even get me started on these supposed “talk” shows.

So, the question comes back to: should I just turn off my TV, get rid of it, and relax? Couldn’t I just get my news from the paper, or better yet, from the internet, so that I don’t have to pay for the destruction of more trees and keep my hands clean? Of course, if I got rid of my TV, there’s still the big screen in the living room that dad watches all day, so I could still watch Nip/Tuck! 😉

Mmmmm… Julian McMahon’s naked butt…